


Where in Ivalice to Shonen Dump?

by InspiredNerd



Series: SHONEN DUMP! [11]
Category: Final Fantasy XII
Genre: Archades, Humor, Ivalice (Ivalice Alliance), RPG meta humor, Silly, Video Game Mechanics, bad meta alias, gil - Freeform, laws and licenses, license board jokes, pay toilets, poop humor, silly very silly, very silly, video game logic jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:27:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28779762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InspiredNerd/pseuds/InspiredNerd
Summary: Vaan finds himself short on gil and license points while visiting Archades for the first time with his party. This wouldn't be an issue normally, and certainly not in-game...but this is Shonen Dump, so you can guess what he has to do. True to FF XII, it's a little more wordy than typical, but still under  1200 words.
Series: SHONEN DUMP! [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1788031





	Where in Ivalice to Shonen Dump?

“Well, now that we've earned our chops and enjoyed the sites of the Empire's capital, I'd say we're ready to catch a cab to the lab and meet up with Balthier again, huh?' Vaan leaned back in his seat, failing to look like a member of the Archadean upper class with his band of fugitives from Rabanastre. They had just finished a quick but hearty meal at one of the many busy dining establishments of Archades. His companions gave him stern looks, as they were traveling incognito.  
“Uh, I mean...Han, or whatever he's going by, here...” Vaan muttered.   
Princess Ashe was quick to her feet, followed by Basch. “We've dallied enough. Time to do what we came here to do.” She said. Penelo finished her last bites of flaky pastry, “I only wish we really were just here as tourists.” She sighed. Vaan slowly got up, holding his stomach with one hand while raising the other. “Actually, um, there is one last thing I absolutely must do before we go, if you'll excuse me.”   
“I warned him about the rich Archadean milk tea.” Basch shook his head. “I forbid my soldiers from drinking it for just this very reason.”   
“Ugh, gross.” Penelo made a face, but was glad to have a few more spare moments relaxing in such a fancy cafe. In Rabanastre, she might have worked at such a place but never eaten at one so clean and pretty.   
Only Ashe looked impatient. “Well, he'd best not be long. I trust our friend, but not his acquaintance, Jules. And despite all stealth and magicks, a viera is going to stick out here no matter what she does, it's only a matter of time before those two are recognized and questioned.”   
While the rest of the party waited, Vaan made his way to the restrooms. He had never seen Archadean water closets before, and was immediately struck with confusion by the fact that he faced a hallway with roughly a dozen doors, instead of the Rabanastre standard of “Large Toilet” vs “Small Toilet.” The Archadean toilets were not only separated by size, but gender and chops as well. There were also sizable lines for most. Realizing he'd left his newly earned pine chops with Ashe at the table (as she was the most responsible party member), he got in line for a no-chop-required WC. However, upon his turn, the door did not budge and Vaan realized there was a coin slot beneath the lock on the door. Seventy-five gil to enter. “Hey, that's more than the cost of most gambits! How in Ivalice do they get away with this?” Irate with himself, Vaan realized he was in no place to pick the lock. There were far too many Archadeans in line for various other bathrooms.   
“Hey, if you can't pay, get out of the way!” grumbled a man behind him. Vaan complied, he only had a few gil on him. After he'd spent all of his share (and part of Penelo's) of the gil earned from loot on new equipment and potions, he'd barely had enough to pay for his meal. They'd spent quite a bit of cash in Archades, spending so much time shopping that a new and expensive monogram he just HAD to have appeared in the bazaar as well. Vaan didn't tell the others, but when they'd split up to earn their chops, he'd even bought one of them from a chopmaster for more than he dared admit to the others. He'd even been wearing a Cat-Eared Hood in every battle since the halfway through the Salikawood just to increase his earnings!  
“Just use the lowest class shitta, ovah thar,” a local said to him, with obvious disgust in his voice as he pointed. Vaan held back the remarks in his mind, and approached the door with no line in front of it. This one only required five gil, which Vaan quickly inserted. Still, the door would not budge. He swore out loud, drawing looks of offense he gave no attention to. He kicked the door, and as he turned to look for an employee of the establishment for help, came face to face with one.   
“Good sir, it seems that you must be a foreign traveler. I must remind you that we have many laws in Archades proper, moreso ever even than the in the whole of Ivalice itself. Have you managed to unlock the proper licenses on your license board?”   
“What!? F--f-f” Vaan almost swore again, but caught himself. “You don't mean, the section to the...”   
“Yes that section. You're one of those...hunter types, aren't you? Probably do most of your business in the wilderness. Well, not here you won't. Archadean restrooms have the softest toilet paper, not only perfumes but magicks to remove any unpleasant smells and fully wash the body after the deed. Such things require not only gil for maintenance, but licensing as overseen by the Judges, much like the equipment you huntsmen employ.”   
Vaan's eyes bulged, and he bit his lip as his innards churned with rage and requirement. “Look, I don't have any spare license points, I just unlocked slots for guns and spells, you've got to be shitting me!”   
“I assure you I am not shitting you,nor shall you be shitting here. 'Tis your own fault for mismanaging your license points. Welcome to Ivalice.” The employee turned away, and Vaan trotted back to his party.   
“Hmm, fast one for you.” Basch said, smirking. “Warned you about that milk tea, didn't I?”   
“You did, you were right, but I couldn't get in. You know that out of the way section on the license board, where,”   
“By the Dynast King, don't tell me..”   
“Not now, please!” Vaan was already out the door, moving with even less patience than Ashe had earlier. It looked like he'd turned on the fast-forward speed, yet cast a Slow spell on himself to reduce the number of his turns that came up. Ashe swore she saw a brown number “10” appear above his head, and count down to “9 as he dashed out of sight into the crowds.   
“Where exactly is he going?” The princess asked, while Basch stood dumbfounded that Vaan had managed to reach his current age living in Ivalice while neglecting to unlock licenses even child citizens considered basic. “How...how much time did that boy spend in the sewers? Is that where-”  
He was cut off by Penelo's laughter, which exploded out of her much like something that was about to explode out of Vaan, but from the opposite side.   
“I, I TOLD him about this, a HUNDRED times, I SWEAR!” She laughed again and again, finally catching her breath. “Oh, excuse me, I just, well,” she struggled to get the words out - “He'll be back as soon as he can, he's just rushing his bishounen butt down to the Alley of Muffled Farts down in Old Archades, the only legal place he can take his SHONEN DUMP!”

**Author's Note:**

> POO BE CONTINUED!!! Next episode of SHONEN DUMP, expect more juvenile shit-stories parodying other shonen manga, anime, and hell, maybe even some video games or literature, too. No fictitious young man is safe. Remember, just 'cause they do it 'off camera,' all your favorite characters poop. Shonen characters sometimes have to drop everything to drop a SHONEN DUMP!


End file.
